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Home / I Told You Once I Cant Do This Again

I Told You Once I Cant Do This Again

I didn't get where I am today past worryin' near how I'd feel tomorrow.

Ronald "Ron" White (born December 18, 1956) is an American stand-up comedian and satirist from Fritch, Texas. He is a member of the Blueish Collar Comedy Tour.

Quotes [edit]

They Call Me Murphy Salad [edit]

  • I'd like to start off this testify by asking you all a question, crusade I don't know the reply. Uh, I lost my sunglasses and yesterday I went to the Sunglass Hut. Hither'south the question: Why does a pair of sunglasses cost more than a 25-inch colour television set set? I go to the Sunglass Hut. I meet a pair that I like. I don't love them. I don't. I like 'em. $309. And I asked the guy, very politely, "How do you sleep at dark, ya little prick?" [audience thanks] You lot know what I hateful? E'er just wonderin'. And I told him--and this is true--that two weeks agone, I bought a 25" color television set from Wal-Mart for $218. And he goes, "Well, patently, sir, y'all don't get it." "...I'm listenin'." He goes, "These glasses cake 100% of all UV rays." I'one thousand like, "No, apparently you don't get information technology; this thing decodes a digital satellite point it picks up from outer-fucking-space!" [audience cheers] And then information technology turned out the glasses got basic cable and I felt like a dickhead...
  • You e'er take a crap then big, your pants fit improve? Anybody ever do that? You ever...I'thousand hoping that happens to me later tonight, 'cause these babies don't fit anymore. I'm hoping I'k one big turd away from backing into an old wardrobe.
  • Yesterday, I was sitting on a beanbag chair naked, eating Cheetos and...[audience cheers], I was flippin' through the television and I saw Robert Tilton. He's a televangelist from Dallas, and uh, he was staring at me. And he said this. He said, "Are yous lonely?" [shrugs] Aye. "Accept you spent half your life in bars, pursuing sins of the mankind?" [Takes a sip of his drink]This guy's good! "Are you lot sitting in a beanbag chair, naked, eating Cheetos?" [shocked wait] Aye, SIR! "Do you lot feel the urge to get upwards and send me a thousand dollars?" Close! I idea he was talking well-nigh me at that place for a 2nd! Plainly, I'm ain't the just cat on the block that digs Cheetos.
  • I was flying from Flagstaff, Arizona to Phoenix, Arizona because my director doesn't own a globe. We flew on a plane that big. Like a pack of mucilage with eight people in it. [imitates sound of a tiny airplane]. What happened was we took off from the Flagstaff Airport, Hair Intendance and Tire Center in that location. We're traveling at half the speed of smell. We got passed past a kite. There was a goose behind u.s.a., and the airplane pilot was screaming, "Go around!". We become halfway to Phoenix and we gotta go back. It's a nine-minute flight...tin't pull it off with this equipment. We had engine trouble. We lost some oil force per unit area and they take told the states about it over the speaker system of the plane, which was stupid because they coulda only went [looks backward] "Hey, we lost some oil pressure level." [gives a thumbs-up] "Heard ya! Certain did." Information technology was weird. Everybody on the plane was nervous, only I'd been drinking since lunch, so I was like, "Take it down, I don't requite a shit." You ever have one of those days? "Striking somethin' difficult, I don't wanna limp away from this piece of shit." The guy sitting next to me is losing his heed. Apparently, he had a lot to live for. He goes "Hey homo! [gasps for air] Hey, homo! Hey, man! [gasps for air] If one of these engines fails, [gasps for air] how far volition the other one have us?" [Equally himself]"All the way to the scene of the crash! Which is pretty handy, 'cause that'due south where we're headed. I bet we beat the paramedics there by a half-hr! We're haulin' ass!"
  • The DeBeers people are almost maxim what they really mean. You remember the old DeBeers slogan, "Diamonds are forever." And so they changed it to "This yr, take her breath away." The new slogan is "Diamonds. Return her speechless." Why don't they just come up out and say it: "Diamonds. That'll shut her up... for a infinitesimal."
  • [on vegetarianism] I didn't climb to the meridian of the fuckin' food chain to eat carrots.
  • I get that Speedo on, it looks like a condom band stretched over a head of cauliflower.
  • Have you always seen a healthy-looking vegetarian? They look similar shit! They're all gaunt and yellow. Later on a while, their bodies get intolerant of other things. I'll requite yous an example: I was out to lunch with a comedian friend of mine, and subsequently in the day he said, and I quote: "I feel nauseous and I have a headache. That soup I had must have had beefiness broth in information technology." Your system's kickin' back broth? Yous're a manly human, aren't you?
  • I've been through two hurricanes; I was in Hurricane Carla every bit a kid in Houston, and I was really excited during hurricane time, because you're out there on the Gulf and it's unsafe, and I was like, "This is cool!" Till shit started hitting our house, so I was like, "FUCK THIS!"
  • They evacuated everybody from the (Florida) Keys and everybody leaves except for ane guy who'south gonna stay there and tie himself to a tree on the embankment, to evidence a bespeak; and the point was, he said, that at 53 years of historic period, he was in practiced enough concrete condition to withstand the wind and the rain of a force iii hurricane. OK, let me explain something to ya: information technology isn't that the wind is blowin'. It'south what the wind is blowin'. If y'all get hit with a Volvo, information technology doesn't really affair how many sit-ups yous did that morning. If you take a "Yield" sign in your spleen, joggin' don't really come into play. "I can run 25 miles without stopping." "You're bleedin'." "Shit!"
  • Ane fourth dimension, I was watching a shootout alive on CNN, and it went on for so long that the criminal eventually shot himself. And the cops are complaining by saying, "He'due south got on trunk armor, he's got on body armor!" And I'thou thinking, "I tin come across his head! Shoot him in his fuckin' head!"
  • You ever run into record of the Kehoe brothers from Ohio, those two guys that exit of that white Suburban, it'due south been on Cops a few times? Those guys, folks, have a shootout with the police, at point...blank...range—nobody gets hurt. I would love to take been at that role the next day when that guy'southward being interviewed past the police. "And then what happened?" "Well, at that point, I unloaded my semi-automatic nine millimeter weapon at bespeak blank range." "And and then what happened?" "They...left." Nice shooting, Elmer Fudd. There was a kid in Detroit a few years ago, shot 8 bullets, hit 9 people. These cops fired 22 shots, didn't even hit the fuckin' Suburban!
  • Some friends of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a strip lodge, and I didn't...want to go. But I ended up going, 'crusade—back me upward on this, fellas—once you lot've seen one woman naked, yous...wanna see the residue of 'em naked. It can be an one-time biker chick, you know they're gonna hang down to hither. "Wanna run across my titties!?" "Yeah, I do!" [cringes] "All right, that's enough, roll 'em back upward!" [imitates her rolling her breasts support and sealing them in place.] The things that make you lot go [shudders]
  • I believe that if life gives yous lemons, you should make lemonade. And effort to detect somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
  • I didn't get where I am today past worryin' well-nigh how I'd experience tomorrow.
  • My married woman's cooking'due south gotten a lot ameliorate since she learned the smoke warning wasn't a timer. I had to tell her, "Dearest, the food's washed before that item cablegram goes off!"
  • I got happily married to a rich woman. If yous ever accept a choice, go ahead. Actually, she's non rich at all. Her parents are loooooaaaddddeeeed. And they hate my guuuuuuuuuuutttttsss. And I am waitng for them to diiiiiiiieeeeeeee. And you volition know when they die, 'cause you will never meet my fat ass again.
  • I never had much of a vocabulary. In fact, my friend Bob Schneider would notwithstanding be alive today if I'd known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote". He got bitten by a copperhead, and I'one thousand telling him funny stories out of Reader's Digest. His caput started to bang-up, I said "This ain't working". He goes, "READ FASTER!!"
  • I'm a dog lover. Actually, I love my canis familiaris, I don't requite a shit about your dog. I don't know your domestic dog. Your dog could be an asshole, I don't know.
  • I like to keep the inside of the business firm betwixt seventy and 75 degrees. My ex-wife liked to keep the within of the house betwixt 75 and a hundred and fuckin' ten. And you can't keep Irish potato Salad at that temperature.
  • She and I got into another statement almost the temperature of the dwelling and she took a butcher knife and slashed the tires on my truck. Then I dug up an old Polaroid of her and entered it in Hustler's "Beaver Hunt" contest and she won. And I used the money to purchase me some new tires, and she super-glues my dick to my tum, so you run into how things get out of hand? [scratches himself in the middle of the breast] Notwithstanding itches.
  • [imitating his cousin Ray on hunting deer] "Well, it was iv in the mornin'. 22 degrees outside. 'Course, you weren't there...pussy. I'g in a camouflage deer blind, with grease paint on my confront. I've got had deer urine on my boots—I'm not certain why. [as himself] I made that part up. [returns to imitating Ray] I've got a .30-06 rifle with a 12 power-scope and a bullet that'll travel at 2,500 feet per second. When that deer looked up to lick the salt sucker I'd hung from the danged ol' tree...caught him right above the eye." "Aye? Well, I hitting one with a van, goin' 55 miles an hour, with the headlights on and the horn blowin'!" Woo, that's an elusive little creature! If you lot ever miss ane, it's because the bullet's moving too fast. Slow the bullet down to 55 miles an hour, put some headlights and a little horn on it, the deer volition actually jump in front of the bullet!
  • One time, my wife said to me, [imitating his wife] "Honey, the dryer is broken." [every bit himself] Did you check the lint trap? [imitating his married woman with a clueless face] Sit down down, dearest, I'll check it. [as his wife] "Was there anything in there?" [equally himself] In that location's a quilt in there. Look! You lot made a sofa cushion.
  • I bought this big ii-story custom van back when I was married. I forgot to tell you this, it was getting kinda cool, it had the James Bond couch in the back, when you button a button, the burrow automatically turns into a bed, and I was like, "Well, that's cool." I finally got something over those Mercedes-Benz-driving in-laws of mine, you know what I hateful? When I first bought the van, I was real proud of it. I took it straight over to my brother-in-law's house to show information technology off, 'cause he's such a prick. He takes one wait at my new van and he goes [in snobbish accent] "I tin't believe you didn't buy a Mercedes-Benz." They don't make a van. "Ron, I don't recall you fully understand the intricacies of Mercedes-Benz engineering. Why, I got the three-inch windshield wiper that keeps my headlight clean in a rainstorm." I got a place to fuck your sis. I don't know why they didn't like me.
  • In Texas, we take the death penalty and we use information technology! That'due south right. You lot come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill y'all back! That's our policy. They're trying to pass a bill right now through the Texas legislature that volition speed up the process of execution in heinous crimes where there'south more than 3 credible eyewitnesses. That means that if iii or more than people saw you do what you did, you don't sit on Death Row for fifteen years, Jack! You get straight to the front of the line. Other states are trying to abolish the death penalty. My land's putting in the express lane!
  • There was this one crime I read almost that was then heinous, I didn't accept any words for it. This guy had killed a girl, her mother, and her grandmother without provocation. I hateful, I am then pissed off reading this, steam's coming out of my ears. This guy was put on trial and was found guilty and sentenced to death past a jury of his peers. Then, virtually a week before the execution, a group of people stood upward on his behalf, ON HIS BEHALF, to say, "We tin can't impale him. He'south as well crazy to know we're killing him!"...So what are we arguing near? If he doesn't know the difference and information technology makes me slumber improve at night...
  • So we're trying to breed Sluggo and go pick of the litter, so we put him with the female person dog for a calendar week. And to brand certain it takes, we take him to the vet and they practise the bogus insemination, and now it don't take shit to become Sluggo to go to the vet! And so the final time nosotros go there, the lady says, "Mr. White, if you'll just come with me, I'll evidence you how to exercise this, and then side by side time you don't accept to bring the domestic dog, y'all can just bring the sperm." And I'grand like [laughing] "No, you lot go ahead and jack off the dog, he follows me around too much as it is." He'll be post-obit me around similar, "Jack me off! Jack me off! You did it once!" Practise it yourself. "I don't take any thumbs. [sobbing] I don't have any goddamn thumbs! At present jack me off, you piece of shit!" [feigned shock] Do we talk to Daddy like that? "Please? Please, jack me off, you lot slice of shit, I don't take whatever goddamn thumbs."...I've lost my mind.
  • She got convinced in her crazy head that I had sex with this daughter in Columbus, Ohio...and I did, and I'll tell you why. When you enter into a monogamous relationship with somebody, you usually do it at a point in the human relationship when you're having a lot of sex. So you're willing to sign the papers. "I'll only take sex with you, ever-always-ever...ever." Well, if that person stops having sex altogether... why, you observe yourself in quite a pickle. I'thou a pretty good dog, but if you don't pet me every once in awhile, it's difficult to keep me under the porch. I'm non as flexible as real dog. And I'll tell you what happened, likewise. I was in Columbus, Ohio, and I haven't been laid in three months. Three months! You can't get three months without having sexual activity with me. I'll get accept sex with somebody else. I know, I've seen me do it. I did a evidence one nighttime. I came offstage, there's gorgeous woman, perhaps 35, twoscore years former, long black dress, slit upwards to her waist, GORGEOUS. Gimme a second. Simply...And I walk off stage, she goes, "I thought you were hilarious. I wanna purchase y'all a drink." I'g like, "I can't practice that, I'g married." And she says, "I didn't ask if you wanna accept sexual activity, big boy. I asked if you wanna take a drink at my place."...Alright. Now, you know of that little guy that sits on your shoulder and reminds you of your prior commitments and your moral fortitude? I didn't hear a peep out of that guy. He hadn't been laid in 3 months either. He was speechless for like 20 minutes then he was like, "Suck her titty!"..."I was gonna!" I was having a three-mode with my conscience. Soon as the whole thing's over, he'southward back at his mail service, saying, "That was wrong, mister!" "Hey! 15 minutes ago, you were chirapsia off on my shoulder, monkey male child!" I detest him. He smokes pot. He burned a hole in my other jacket.

The White potato Salad Story [edit]

(This story is repeated in slightly different versions in the Bluish Neckband One-act Tour DVD, the They Call Me "Irish potato Salad" DVD, and the Drunk in Public audio CD. This is the version equally it appears in Blue Collar Comedy.)

  • I got thrown out of a bar in New York City. Now when I say I got thrown out of a bar, I don't mean someone asked me to get out, and we walked to the door together, and I said, "Cheerio, everybody, I gotta go." Six bouncers hurled my ass out of a nightclub similar I was a Frisbee. Those large ol' New York bouncers who thinks bouncing'southward a cool job. They only talk nearly billowy. They become together with other bouncers and talk near bouncing. They go home and spotter Roadhouse and beat off. [Retarded voice] "Patrick Swayze'southward hittin' another guy! [laughs stupidly]" for wearing a hat. I walk in a bar with a chapeau on; this guy, real pissy, goes "Take off the hat!" [proceeds to mock-flex, looking much like a gorilla] I'm like, "What's the bargain?" "I'll tell you what the deal is- faggots in this area wear hats and nosotros're trying to keep 'em out of our club." I was like, "Oh really? The only way we can tell down in Texas is if they have a haircut like...yours." And he got all pissed. Anyway, I took off the hat, and he walked abroad. About an hour afterward, I was drinking and I forgot. You lot always forget? It happened to me. I put the chapeau back on, now, I'm betwixt 6'1" and half dozen'six", depending on which convenience store I'g leaving, and I weigh about 235 lbs, and this guy is pokin' me on the shoulder with ii fingers. He said, "That'south it, you're outta here!" I said, "I don't call back and then, Scooter." And I was incorrect. They hurled me out of that night guild, so they decided to square off with me in the parking lot. Simply I backed down 'cause I didn't know how many of them it was going to accept to whip my ass, but I knew how many they were going to use. That's a handy piece of information to have, right there; overkill.
The cops were chosen 'cause we bankrupt a chair on the way out and I refused to pay for it. I refused to pay for it because nosotros broke it over my thigh. The cops showed upward, and at that point, I had the right to remain silent — but I didn't accept the ability. The cop was similar, "Mr. White, yous are existence charged with drunkard... in... publ-ic-kah!" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I was drunk in a bar. They threw me into pub-lic. I don't want to be drunk in pub-lic, I want to be drunkard in a bar, which is perfectly legal... arrest them!" They didn't abort them. Instead, they had me practise a field sobriety exam. That'due south where you stand on 1 foot, heighten the other foot 6" off the ground and count to 30. I made information technology to "wuh" (loses rest). "Is that gonna be close enough?" Information technology wasn't close plenty, so they call in for my arrest record. At that place'southward some good news! Satellites are linkin' up in outer space, computer banks at NASA are kickin' on, there'southward a telegraph in Fritch, Texas going (makes a long serial of beeping noises, imitating Morse Lawmaking, pauses, takes a deep breath, and continues with the beeping) This part takes a while. (more beeping noises followed by a trilling Brrrrrrrrrrrrrp) Shorthand. (a pause) Beep
Anyhow, I told y'all that story to tell you this story. When I was 17, was arrested for being drunkard... in... pub-lic. (Jeff Foxworthy says "There seems to exist a pattern here, Ron.") (continuing) If you knew Morse Code, you'd already know that. And i DWI, which was a bogus charge considering they were stopping everybody that was drivin' down that item sidewalk... and that'due south profilin... and profilin' is wrong. On the drunk in public accuse, the arresting officer, who I had literally known all my life, you lot know what I mean? This guy lived four doors down from me in a town of less than 400 people. We've met. Anyhow, at the station, he asks me if I take whatsoever aliases. And I was just existence a smartass and said, "Yes, they call me... Tater Salad." Seventeen years later, I'1000 handcuffed to a demote with blood comin' out my olfactory organ, this cop comes up to me and says, "Are yous Ron... 'Tater Salad' White?" You defenseless me! You defenseless the White potato! Y'all can accept down those roadblocks now. I phone call my son Irish potato Tot...and poot.

You Can't Fix Stupid [edit]

  • Let me tell you lot what I'yard looking for in a fuckin' tree. I'k looking for a tree that you can tell is alive fifty-fifty if you don't know shit nearly trees.
  • The next time you have a thought...allow information technology get.
  • I'grand sweating scotch out of every pore in my trunk.
  • You know, ane of the most-asked questions I get on my website, tatersalad.com, is "How come you lot aren't more involved in Blueish Collar Idiot box?" You know, that's the show Jeff, Larry and Bill do. I'll tell you why—it'southward because of my piece of work ethic. My granddad once said, "That male child'south got a lot of quit in him," and that's true. Hell, the things I didn't quit, I got kicked out of. I got kicked off the high school debate team for saying "Yeah?! Well, fuck you!" I thought I'd won. The other kid was speechless. I thought that was what nosotros were tryin' to do.
  • If I could give communication to the planet, it would exist; don't marry for looks alone, going either way, and I'll tell you why. In a few years, if Barbara'south boobs start to sag too much, there's a place you can go where they can just lift 'em correct back up to where they were. And they tin point the nipple wherever they want 'em. Yous tin actually go to a titty bar, pick out a set up of titties and say, "I want those titties on that woman right there." If her abdomen gets also big and she don't wanna work it off, you tin can go get a tummy tuck- they'll give you a abdomen that looks like a cheerleader. Yous know, if your eyes start to go bad, you tin can have Lasik surgery and they tin can give you 20/20 vision at any age. If your hearing starts to fail, they can put a device in your ear that'll make y'all able to hear as good as you could the twenty-four hour period you were born. But let me tell you something, folks...you tin can't ready stupid. There'south non a pill you lot can accept, at that place's not a class you tin get to. Stupid is fo-evah.
  • My manager volition send me anywhere he wants to, 'cause he doesn't have to fuckin' get.
  • My concluding end was in Anchorage, Alaska, which is real handy and a great place to visit in February if you...if you get the risk. Later that, I went to Fairbanks, Alaska, and my manager's prediction that in that location wouldn't be a lot of snow in Fairbanks, Alaska in February was off past about seven and a half fucking Feet! THE near boring boondocks I've e'er been to in my life. Sorry if y'all're from there. It is a bore-hole. And I was stranded there for THREE DAYS. Count 'em, one...tick...[pauses and looks at his watch]...tock...tick...Stranded at that place with the Eskimo people. Non a not bad looking group of folks. And I mentioned that onstage and they got pissed off. And I didn't meet why they got so mad. I didn't allude that they had no graphic symbol, I mentioned that they weren't attractive...I thought they knew. Apparently, I let some big cat out of the bag. Accept you lot seen their teeth? They can make keys. You don't take to exist in Fairbanks very long before you acquire what that nose rubbing deal'south all well-nigh. I'g good. Anyway, I got this scathing alphabetic character from the head Eskimo, Frosty or whatever his name was, and halfway through the letter he said he would accept me know that the Inuit tribe is one of the purest races on the planet and I'm like, "That's kinda what I'k talkin' about. Nobody volition have sex with these people." So later in the letter it said there are less Inuits every year, which I gauge means it's getting to where where they won't even have sexual practice with each other.
  • On my way to Alaska, somebody suggested that I watch this movie, which I did. Information technology'south chosen Grizzly Man, and if you get a adventure, sentinel information technology. It's very entertaining. Information technology'southward about this guy, a never-exercise-well out-of-piece of work-actor, who tries to reinvent himself as a filmmaker, and he goes to "grizzly land" and shoots this amazing footage, which was subsequently compiled by Werner Herzog. And, most halfway through the flick, this guy snaps and thinks he's at one with the grizzly bears, and grizzly bears, he says, not only take the capacity for intellect, they take the capacity for sympathy...and and then one of them eats him...FUNNIEST motion picture I've ever seen in my life. I laughed 'till I idea I was going to throw upwardly! [Mimics laughing uproariously] "The carry ate him! That'due south rich!" And I wondered if this guy's dad, similar my dad, always said to him, "You're never gonna be shit!" [Audition laughs] "Well, you're wrong, poppa. Tomorrow morning time, when this bear pushes me through his bowels, I'll be a steaming pile of bear-shit. I hope you're proud, daddy. Y'all have no idea what I had to go through to make your dreams come up true. I had to be digested. You know what that's like, daddy? I suppose you don't."
  • I was more fucked-up than Courtney Dear at the Pamela Anderson roast!
  • I told him, "We're all gay. It'south simply to what extent are you gay." He says, "That'south bullshit, human, I ain't gay at all!" I'm like, "Yeah, you are and I'll evidence it." He goes, "Fine, prove it." I'thousand similar, "All right, do you like porn?" He says, "Yeah, I beloved porn, you lot know that." I'yard, "Oh, o you but lookout man two women together?" He goes, "No, I'll watch a man and a adult female making honey." I said, "Oh, do you lot similar the guy to have a tiny, half-flaccid penis?" He said, "No, I similar big, difficult, throbbing co- (stunned pause, applause) ...I did not know that nearly myself."
  • I found out yesterday at that place really is a identify called Bumfuck, Egypt. And the only way to get at that place is to go up Shit Creek.
  • The Ayatollah of Iran died today and they're desperately trying to find the adjacent Ayatollah. I suggested they choice that guy they just kicked out of the Oak Ridge Boys. Ayatollah Oom Papa Mow Mow!
  • I got 2 Scottish terriers, considering if y'all drink enough Johnny Walker products, eventually they'll just transport yous the dogs. And we got some other 200 head of Scotties on a picayune ranch in Wyoming. We got little monkey cowboys in hats and vests, riding Shetland ponies, with petty toy guns...one of them's the sheriff. Cutest thing you lot ever saw. No, but I exercise have 2 footling Scottish terriers and their names are Birdy and Bogey, and someone said to me, "Oh, that'southward beautiful, they're named afterwards your golf game game." I said, "No, if they were named after MY golf game, they'd exist called Double Bogey and Where The Fuck Is That Ball Going?, which is kind of a long proper name for a pet.
  • One day, I was picking up domestic dog turds on my front end 1000, and I realized something: there are 6 people who piece of work for me full-fourth dimension, and then I'm slowly reevaluating everybody's position at Ron White Inc., so that adjacent fourth dimension, I won't have to be the dog-turd-picker-upper. It's a tie between my pool boy and my tax chaser...and I'm leaning towards the taxation chaser. But as I'm picking up these turds, I see one that's massive, fifty-fifty by Sluggo's standards, which are legendary, and I know information technology's his, because he outshits the Scotties ii-to-1. I'thousand looking at this turd – I'm admiring information technology, actually – and I brainstorm to recollect there'southward lettering on the side of it. I go in the firm and get my spectacles, because I tin can't read shit without my spectacles. [Audience laughs] And information technology does. It says "Midland Park Golf Course". Sluggo had eaten and shat whole a golf game glove, velcro and all...I rinsed information technology off and been using it for three weeks.

Blue Neckband Comedy Tour Rides Again [edit]

  • I decided last week that there are as well many back up groups in this state; you lot need to pick your own self up and go, you know? I saw this commercial last calendar week, it was for a bladder control awareness group. I'one thousand like, let me explain something to you: if you have a bladder control problem, yous're probably aware of it. Or yous're in some weird-donkey denial I've never even heard of, you know? "Bob, I got a moisture problem in this area, and I don't know if it'south condensation due to high humidity, or if I'k pissin' myself."
  • Well, I'll tell you a little bit about myself, uh, my brother'due south a doctor and my sister'due south an chaser, and I hate Thanksgiving. Final twelvemonth, we're sitting around the dining room table, and my brother tells a story about all the smashing lives he's saved. My sister tells a story about winning a lawsuit for an orphanage to assist the children. And so my mom goes, (archly) "Well, Ron? Is there anything new with your career?" And I go, "Yeah! I got a new bit well-nigh sticking my pecker in a toaster!" Maybe I should've told my story start.

Behavioral Problems [edit]

  • I'd like to start off by telling you lot some great news. I got canonical for a new reality show—it'due south an farthermost makeover evidence for eye-anile lesbians, chosen "This Old Balderdash-Dyke". We already have a sponsor, also–Wolverine steel-toed boots has picked information technology upwards. We had another title, simply the censors nixed it; it was originally going to be called, "Pimp My Muff!"
  • I'm staying tonight, or this week, in the Hotel 1000, and I would similar to talk for simply a 2d about their toilets. They've got the all-time toilets ever, human being. They're astonishing, y'all won't believe this if yous've never seen one of these. Number one, the seat is heated. Now, that doesn't sound like a lot, but if y'all're used to a cold toilet seat and then you lot sit down on a warm toilet seat, information technology's dainty. It, like, relaxes your bowel muscles and kinda just helps y'all crap, y'all know? It'due south really nice. And so, on the wall, there's some buttons and one of them says Rear Cleansing and one of them says Front Cleansing; in that location'south a diagram of a guy sitting on a toilet with a stream of water shooting upward his ass. And then I push button a button...and all of a sudden I'grand that guy! I am. I'k sitting on the toilet with a stream of h2o shooting upwardly my donkey, and it's astonishing...how accurate this matter is. I don't know if everybody's butthole is in the verbal same place, but this thing has got me dead eye! And so at that place's another button beneath that button that says Oscillate and I said, "Why NOT?" Now I take a rotating stream of water shooting up my ass, and information technology was at that moment that I realized that fifty meg gay men can't be incorrect! [audition cheers] I'grand singing songs to this toilet, I'm in love! [singing] "I honestly love you..." My wife caught me spreading cake on my donkey, just so I could become wash information technology off. "Is that cake?!" "No, I gotta go to the bathroom...don't expect upwards."
  • I'm gonna endeavor telling you lot this story. This happened on Tuesday. I'm going home from PetSmart in the car with two dogs and the married woman, and the wife says, "I need to terminate at the banking company," and I say, "Shit" or whatever I say, considering I don't go to the bank. Everybody knows that, I stay in the auto with the dogs. My wife said, "I'll be, you lot know, v minutes," but there'south absolutely no such thing as 5 minutes with this adult female. So, she goes in. And I know my dogs need to pee, and at our bank there's ane piece of manicured backyard that has two signs that both say No Dogs...then I have my dogs over in that location. This guy comes waddling out of the bank with a big scowl on his face and he says, "The sign says no dogs!" I'm said, "Well, the sign's wrong. The sign should say, 'two dogs'."
  • I got in a little problem. Did you guys hear annihilation virtually that? [audience thanks] I'll tell you what happened. I had two sold-out shows in Fort Pierce, Florida and we were gonna land in Vero Beach, Florida. And I have an airplane that, um, you guys...bought me. Thank you. Information technology's nice. It is actually cool. And we land in Vero Embankment, and where we land, I look out the window and there'south three cops standing there, which is no big deal to me. Considering cops dearest me, so practice firemen. And a lot of times, I'll get a constabulary escort from the airport to the venue, and this...wasn't one of those times. I got outta the plane and in that location was a cop there and he said, "Mr. White, nosotros have been told in that location are drugs on this airplane by an bearding tip." I said, "In that location are absolutely no drugs on the plane." Now, I did have a fleck of weed in my bag, merely it'southward not on the plane, then technically I'm non lying to this guy. And, you know, he goes, "Well, do you lot mind if we search the aircraft?" I said, "You absolutely cannot search this aircraft unless you take probable cause," because I still have civil liberties, you know what I hateful? [audience thank you] I practise. And they tell me, "Okay, nosotros just wanna let the drug dog walk by information technology a couple times." I said, "Fine". And the drug dog walks by a couple times, and the guy goes, "Well, the dog gave us the indicate that in that location are drugs on the airplane". And I was like, "No, he didn't! That domestic dog didn't do anything, I was staring straight at it! He didn't wink, blink, woof or paw. What's his betoken, a blank stare? (mimes a blank stare) That'southward all he did!" "Well, the canis familiaris says at that place are drugs on the plane." And I said, "Well, I said there aren't drugs on the plane. Who are you going to believe, me or the...ah, fuck, never heed." At present, I've got a show to go to. They spend an hr and a half going through this plane. An hr and a one-half and I'yard just sitting at that place going, "Oh, come on!" And they go finished and, of course, there are no drugs on the plane and I knew there wasn't. And I assume now they're gonna permit me go and I'll go practise my show, whatever. And so they go, "Well, now the dog needs to sniff that bag on your shoulder," and I was similar, (Scooby Doo phonation) "Ruh-roh!" They establish 7/viii of a gram of marijuana in my bag. At present, when I have have 7/viii of a gram of marijuana, I consider myself to be...out of marijuana. That is no weed.
  • It was medicinal marijuana. It was prescribed to me by a dr. in California, which is where I alive, and I told the cop this. When I went to encounter the doc, he asked me, "Do you have any medical issues that medicinal marijuana helps convalesce?" And I said, "Well, I get bummed when I run out of weed...medicinal marijuana cures that." They handcuffed me and put me in the squad car, and take me to jail. At present, I'm not existence an ass about it. I broke the police force, that's fine, simply, fuck, this is Florida! These cops drove past three meth labs and a dead hooker simply to get here!
  • They processed me through county jail. Now, for whatever reason, I had a bunch of greenbacks on me. I'd been on the road for a while. And now they gotta count information technology in front end of me, and this guy comes over and he goes. [redneck accent] "Hey, man, I'm gonna have to count that money and you're gonna accept to watch". And I'chiliad similar [sarcastic] "Fuck, not you." This money is in banded $5,000 stacks and this guy picks one of them upwardly and goes [slowly flipping each bill] "Ane Mississippi. 2--". He didn't really say Mississippi but he fuckin' could have. "Two Mississippi..." and I go, "Yous can't exercise it that way. It'll take forever. Merely take the band off and start counting. Ane-two-three-four-five. When you get to 50, that'due south 5,000 and just start the side by side stack." And he goes, "That's a proficient idea". That's what he said. And then he counts the 2d stack and he goes "Hey, buddy, expect a infinitesimal! Wait a minute! In that location's simply 42 in this ane." I said, "Oh, that's okay. But get 8 more outta this one, put it in this ane. At present you accept two stacks of 50. That's $ten,000." I'M Teaching THIS Female parent FUCKER HOW TO COUNT!
  • I'g standing in line. I got a first class ticket. And I get up to the front of the line and in that location isn't anybody there. It's just a kiosk with a computer terminal. And I'm non good at computers. And I don't wanna bear on this thing, 'cause it's got grease and dirt and what I just pray to Jesus is meringue.
  • I become to Atlanta and I check into the Ritz Carlton Hotel. And, uh, the next morning I go to take a shower and there'due south no hot water. And I chosen the front desk and I tell the daughter at the front desk, I said in that location's no hot water. The girl at the front desk said "Sometimes there'due south no hot water"..."Didn't I just tell you that?" I said "I've stayed at $20 a night motels. The water was so hot you could cook your nuts with information technology." She goes "Well, every one time in a while, everybody volition wake upwardly at the same time and they all take a shower at the same time and we run smack outta hot h2o." "Y'all guys didn't think about that? They thought about it at the Motel half dozen. Only that whole concept of people wake upwards in the forenoon with shit to do got correct by the Ritz Carlton Hotel?"
  • (Nearly valet parking in Atlanta and parking the car himself) He jumped out of his truck and he gets militant. And he jumps in front of my Range Rover and puts a hand on it, he puts his hands on the hood and he goes "Nobody parks their own car in this parking lot! I park the cars in this parking lot!" Well, I rolled down my window and very politely said, "Become out my fucking way!" [audience cheers] He goes "Nobody talks to me like that! You can't park your automobile in this parking lot!" And I said "FUCK YOU!". He goes "I'm calling the police. What's your first and last proper noun?" "It'southward Fuck You. It's F-u-c-thousand CAPITAL Y-O-U! Fuck yous, that's my name." He gets on his radio and calls the Dalai Lama of all parking lot attendants, who calls squealing up in his little red truck. Apparently, they give 'em to 'em. He hopes outta the truck similar he's gonna do something. He immediately recognizes me and you run across this big "Oh shit!" wash over his confront. He literally shoves this child outta the way and starts apologizing. He said, "Mr. White. I am sorry." I said, "Heed, this kid'south not doing his job. He'south an insolent little slice of shit. He needs to have his ass reamed." He goes, "Mr. White, he's gonna have his ass reamed by me and my boss and my dominate' dominate." And I was like, "Well, I had no idea the chain of command went that deep in the parking lot business..."
  • Pulitzer Prize-winning author Norman Mailer died terminal twelvemonth at the historic period of 84 years old. For the last 60 years of this man's life, he drank to excess every day. Uh, he was married six times. He smoked pot. He stabbed his second wife. And I've never read one of his books, but I gotta tell y'all I'm a huge fan.
  • We went out last and I got and so boozer last night, I woke up this morning time and somebody had shit my pants. [audience cheers] I don't know who it was...simply I know he eats corn...and cake. Corn cakes, I recollect that's what he was eating.
  • I got my wife breast implants for her altogether. I've never been a big fan of plastic surgery, but I gotta admit, I've had a lot of fun playing with these things. I haven't given them to her yet...[Audience cheers] I simply keep 'em on my bout charabanc and just rub 'em in my face up...I'm glad they clean upward easy. [Audition groans] WHAT?! I'm only glad they are not made out of corduroy, that'south all I'm saying! I'd accept to accept 'em Scotchgarded. [imitates spraying Scotchgard on implants] I observe it a niggling ironic that the production that I utilize to keep from ruining my sofa should spill my drink on it is actually chosen...Scotch-baby-sit. [Audience cheers] Sometimes, things just piece of work out perfect, don't they? "Yep, I'm looking for a production that'll protect my sofa should I spill my Scotch on information technology. What'd ya take?" [imitates clerk turning to look at stock] "We've got Scotch-guard." "Aye, allow'due south go with that. Practice you have Vodka-baby-sit? How almost Sperm-guard?" Information technology's a busy couch.
  • To the troops. [Audition thank you as he drinks scotch]
  • We take the money we make from selling the balance of Florida to Israel, we buy United mexican states, fix it upwardly and flip it!
  • My favorite byproduct of monogamy, it didn't even dawn on me that this would be the case. When I figured this out, I felt a huge weight just palpitate off shoulders. And a lot of you guys might not realize this so this could exist a big night of your life because I'g almost to impart to you the almost important affair I've ever learned. So, guys, I desire you lot to open up your senses and really take this in. Don't waste this moment. Considering here it comes...Ready? Here it comes...Guys, if y'all only accept sexual practice with your wife, you tin't get caught. [Audition cheers. Makes a fluttering gesture with his hands on his shoulders] Feel it? Feel it? Nobody gives a rat's ass! Nobody's e'er gonna kick in a sleeping accommodation door, "You motherfu--Is that your ol' lady?" [Makes motions like he'due south having sexual activity doggy-style and turns and looks over his shoulder, annoyed] I may be exaggerating that stroke just a little. [Makes motions again, but faster] Only notwithstanding a ferocious piece of ass. Although easily winded.
  • My favorite identify to have sex is on my bout motorbus, because if I can't quite have the wind to go her there, I can holler at that driver, "Pump the brakes!" [makes a sound like hitting the air brakes - chhh...chhh...chhh...] Faster! [chh! chh! chh! chh!] Thank you, Pat! Boy that Pat tin fuck, can't he?
  • Actually you can become caught having sex with your wife. My wife and I were going at it ane time one afternoon and the housekeeper walked in. Which is style better than the other mode effectually. Information technology happens the other way and you end up maxim things like, "I'll pack my shit...when information technology stops called-for!"
  • I notice a lot of comfort in having one sex partner. That is because she knows what I like and I know what she won't do.
  • When my wife told me that she was anal, I thought, "Great." Turns out, there are two different kinds of "anal"...And she's the incorrect one.

A Little Unprofessional [edit]

  • Austin was the start place where I was blatently offered a three-fashion, and I turned it downwards considering it was one of those deals where it was two dudes and...me. I don't even lookout Two and a Half Men. (ii:25)
  • [Virtually airports with advanced equipment] You know, you can have fun with that if yous practise it similar I do. I accept ii Viagra and need a pat down. "What's that in your pants, Mr. White?" "I accept no idea. You lot're gonna need to pat that downwards...Pat information technology back upwardly again...Give it a couple twists. See if information technology's connected to anything...You lot might wanna go wash your hands." (2:57)
  • He hooks me up to the gas and I don't feel annihilation. I'thou like "Dude, you demand to turn this gas up. He goes, "In that location are regulations in the State of Nevada stating which, Code I, Department Four..." I'm like, Fuck! And I asked him, I said, "Where did you lot go to college?" He goes, "Brigham Young." Fuck, dude, plough it upwardly to Cosmic. Never let a Mormon set your buzz level. Never. Don't do it. And I'll tell you why. They don't understand "Fucked Upward" the mode you and I do. They don't. They're guessin', and they're shitty guessers. (4:32)
  • I have an airplane that yous guys...bought me. I like it a lot. Half of the Fortune 500 companies in America have allow get of their individual jets. Not Ron White Inc., I'm flight that son-of-a-bowwow straight into bankruptcy! I guarantee you, ane day, I'll be livin' in a double-wide trailer with shag carpet, and I'll have a jet with weeds growin' through it. I'll be in the front end seat goin', "Push me around some!" And I don't come from money. I come from the opposite of money. I come from...no money. 10 years ago, I lived in a camper in my friend's lawn. He didn't even know I was in that location. (vii:12)
  • I take Attending Arrears Disorder. I have learning disabilities. I don't fifty-fifty accept a loftier school diploma. I'g smart, but yous can't evidence information technology on paper. I do have a GED, and if you don't know what GED stands for...yous probably got one, besides. (nine:xiii)
  • I told my wife, I said, "You become there at v:30 you lot can fly with me but let me tell you lot something Sugar Tits, at 5:31 I am wheels up and I am fucking gone!" ...I said that. Non very loud, but I said it. 5:31 gets there. Is she there? No! Do I go out? [Majority of the audience says "Aye!"] ...No! vi:01 gets there. Is she there? No. Exercise I go out? No. Why? Because this dick won't suck itself, that'south why. (x:29)
  • Very politely, I said, "Lady, talking during alive theater, equally far equally social skills get, is like shitting in the street." She goes, "You better mind your own business." I said, "You lot better quit shittin' in the street". She goes, "I'll have y'all thrown outta here". I said "IF Y'all DON'T QUIT FLAPPIN' YOUR FUCKIN' COCK HOLSTER!" Everybody heard that. Before, it was a little disturbance right behind me. Very few people privy to that 1. And so, one,700 people hear me going, "If you don't quit flappin' your fuckin' cock holster!" All of this at a show called "Love", past the manner...I had her murdered and buried in the desert. [Shrugs while the audience laughs] It'due south Vegas, infant. Exist conscientious who you fuck with. (fourteen:11)
  • We got Bin Laden, man. Information technology took ten years, it wasn't exactly a calf-rope. He was in that house for six years with five wives. I would've shot my fucking self! I'd have my caput out of the window screaming at drones, going, "I'One thousand OVER HERE!" (26:53)
  • Y'all e'er fume so much pot your wife starts to brand sense? Me neither. (thirty:20)
  • Last year in Florida, at Bounding main Earth Florida, an creature trainer was killed past a killer whale...HUH. Turns out, there's a reason why they didn't name them "ocean ponies." Some things are exactly as they seem, folks. Killer whales kill, pilot whales wear night sunglasses. I'm not sure how the sperm whale got his name...but I'1000 not getting in the pool. (31:06)

If You Quit Listening, I'll Shut Up (2018 Netflix special) [edit]

  • I'k 61 years old now, and I know two things to exist true. One: anything has the potential to become a DUI checkpoint if you crash your car into it. And you lot can't unfuck the housekeeper.
  • "Don't drinkable and drive." That'south what they say. They as well say "Friends don't allow friends bulldoze drunk." Well, which ane is it? Somebody'southward gotta drive.

External links [edit]

Wikipedia

schlunketheyeaterve85.blogspot.com

Source: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Ron_White